friday night blog

someone is fatttt.....i'll give you a hint. it's wiley. he rolled himself into the kitchen to make himself a pizza i am not kidding around here


neither is wiley. hey there fat boyyy

true story

ARLINGTON, Frederick St. N., 800 block, May 9. A woman called the Animal Welfare League about four newborn bunnies that her dog had brought in from her back yard. An animal control officer found the bunnies to be in good condition. It appeared that a cat or a fox might have gotten into the bunnies' nest. They were taken to the league and transferred to a wildlife rehabilitator.

!!!!!!!!!!!

cookie cake pie

i am going to make this:


and eat it. pie crust+cookie+cake+frosting.
dont judge me.

Skeuomorph

In honor of her 20 years at Taco Bell, Rosalind was presented with a skeuomorph.

The Spelling Bee was AWESOME! Two of the three finalists had been friends since they were babies, and the third finalist was a home schooled boy who reminded me of my brother Johnnie!

Stacey told Adam his dating prospects would improve greatly if he started bathing more than just hebdomadally.

The words were really hard.

The end.


ps. skeuomorph means an ornamental object, and hebdomadally means weekly. fyi. byob. gtg.

one of these things

is not like the other........

what is Orissa? am i famous?

i'm watching youuuuuuuu

morning fog

off to a rocky start this morning. i couldn't find the shoes i wanted to wear, so i decided on a different pair, you know, the ones with the flowers? anyway, i couldn't find them EITHER! then my hair tie broke (=bad luck for 19 years) then i turned the car on and realized i forgot my tea inside (yes i drink tea, asshole) and went to go inside and get it but DUH IDIOT my house key was in my car with my other fucking keys aka my car key.

the good news is, i snagged a photo of wiley without his makeup on:

he's so cute right? i always love his "au natural" look in the morning.

is it ok

that heather says "bugger" a lot, as in "bugger, i forgot my purse!" ?

amanda, maybe you can bring an international perspective to this one.

sara

is too busy trying on her new outfits,


forgetting to shave her legs,


cultivating her ear hair,


and practicing being tall,


in short, she is too busy to blog.

life is too short

to be unhappy. here are some happy (?) facts:

The average human body contains enough...

Sulfur to kill all the fleas on an average dog.
Iron to make a 3 inch nail.
Fat to make 7 bars of soap.
Carbon to make 900 pencils.
Phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads.
Potassium to fire a toy cannon.
Water to fill a 10 gallon tank.

gross!!?!?!!!

here are some more from my friend, yk tan.

lezzohan

if you're a little bit gay like me, then this is dangerous.

cuffed sandals

what the dillllllllllllll

are these cute?

onions

aren't all bad: "Records, movies, books—they’re not supposed to be like math books. The purpose of them is to kind of take us out of ourselves and give us some sort of alternate experience or respite." -Will Oldham, A.V. Club interview

reminder

The 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bee Finals will be aired tomorrow, Thursday, May 28th at 8pm on ABC.

Also, here is a fun fact:
Andrew Jan Cerise probably could have won the 1926 National Spelling Bee; the winning word was cerise.

bikram yoga: a review

i went to bikram yoga last night for the first time. it was insane. the room is over 100 degrees so you start sweating the second that you walk in. the instructor was wearing a headset and sometimes he would talk really fast like an auctioneer. at first i felt really good and strong, but about half way through (i am guessing, of course there is no clock in the room so you can't tell if you are close to done or not) i thought i was going to die. i sweat probably 1000 gallons. it was really hard. but i am going back tonight. at the end, they give you a freezing cold washcloth to put on your face and sweaty body. it was the best thing i have ever felt. better than ice cream.

what does it mean?

usually when i go to the bathroom at work there is no one in there. sometimes there will be someone leaving when i am going in, or vice versa. and i go a LOT. but just now, when i went to the bathroom, there were 4 people in there.

too much fun club II

i also got pulled over for the first time in my life.

i want you

Important benefits of Pickle Juice and Pickles

Bob's Pickle Pops are a vegetable squeezed frozen juice ice pop treat that has NO added sugar and less than 5 calories. Wow! They are a healthier alternative to sugary pops. Closet pickle juice drinkers and lots of kids love the salty vinegary flavor. Children undergoing chemo enjoy the salty taste. People with cystic fibrosis need lots of salt every day, and people with MS enjoy the taste after treatments.
Vinegar appears to be very good for blood sugar levels.
Many pickles are made with vinegars. This healthy liquid has several positive properties in addition to its tangy taste. Vinegar is known to boost the immune system, ease digestive disorders, and can break down calcium deposits in a person's joints. In addition, vinegar is known to decrease high blood pressure, and help treat urinary infections. It is even said to re-mineralize your bones, balance your blood pH, and fight infection. Vinegar is also anti-bacterial and anti-fungal. It inhibits the growth of the E.coli bacteria, and when used in conjunction with salt, which is common in pickling, the anti-bacterial properties are amplified.
Sodium is good for hydration on a hot day and Bob's pickle pop has 10% of the USDA recommendations of sodium.

too much fun club

i christened the toilet this weekend.

duhhhhhhh

i got to work late this morning, a little before 10. i could smell the popcorn before i even walked in the door. seriously.

heather tried to come to work yesterday but she couldn't get in the building because it was locked.

i am an asshole and forgot that i was supposed to go to a wedding today. the only way i figured it out was because jessie's blog reminded me that it's tuesday, not wednesday. duhhhhhhhh

today i'm going to drink

and eat

danny doesn't move

what's all this

fat boy

"we need chili cheese fries. it will make us feel better."
-Wiley "fat as fuck" tubbo Laufman

10 am

i washed my hair this morning, but i didn't eat breakfast, but heather's eating popcorn.

off-task

i have really been working hard today.
BANNED RARE RAINBOW EPISODE - SO SO FUNNY!!!

Stay Classy

up and coming

it's so nice out! it's weird because even though i'm at work inside of an office, just knowing that it's basically summer is making me really happy.

tonight: watch marley and me. eat cabbage and other healthful foods (i've had pizza basically 4 times a day for the past 3 days.) drink red wine. it's good for the heart.
tomorrow: FRIDAY=awesome. getting tattooed for reals.
saturday: BPB at the Birchmere. i'm excited.
sunday: peter and the wolf? maybe?
monday: memorial day. day off. going to gaithersburg for family fun. grandfather is in town. can't wait. jessie want to play??
tuesday: going to a wedding in Bumpass VA, obviously.
wed/thurs: boreville.
fri: awesome. prob getting another tattoo. why not? it's friday.
sat.: amanda/anferny arrive?! guilty pleasures are back.

what are Your plans?

confession: i went in the pool yesterday (not our pool, danny's dad's pool) and i didn't wash my hair yet.
don't tell mom.

so so so

so tired. i went to bed early like a responsible adult. i guess zach and danny came over because i was rudely awakened by shrieking and snorting. of course they were all fucking each other like little piggies. jkjkjk

but really. i woke up at 3:30 super wide awake, and ate some sour cream and onion chips. gross. then i couldn't fall back asleep for an HOUR. what is worse than not being able to sleep?

i think we're getting tattoos today. tattuesday. the sad thing is, there's not a new Lost on tonight. the good thing is, i haven't seen the latest Desperate Housewives. i think it's going to be steamy.

basically, just everyone should drink more grapefruit vodka. it is so delishy. pour it in a cup with some ice, lemonade, and iced tea. or just pour it down your throat.

thanks a million.

are these ugly?

julie these are game boy boots. fyi.

party time

wiley finished school yesterday. we are all so proud of him.
ben and danny are here. we are all proud of them too.
i cleaned the house before they came and then ben touched everything and danny slept on everything. jkjkjk

heather did not catch the robber. he did steal her boyfriend's PS2 though. shit is getting gnarly.

leaving work early to lay by the pool with my fave fat boys

i actually worked today!
now i'm going home.
bye!

ps last night i had a dream/nightmare(?) that i was so fat i couldn't fit in my underwear anymore.

went to india last night

i did a lot of things yesterday.

washed dish
did laundry
cleaned bathroom (!) it wasn't that hard. you should try it if you're in the mood.
made indian food- it wasn't that hard. you should try it if you're in the mood.



anne's indian cuisine
cut up a little hot green pepper into little tiny weeny peecy weecys.

cook it in some oil. after a little second, add about 1/4 tsp. each of salt, cumin and crushed red pepper. if you're feeling bold, throw some cayenne up in there too. or not. whatever.

add about 1 cup chopped tomato, 1 can chickpeas, about 1 cup of vegetable broth.
let it marinate all over on itself. i only cooked it for about 5-7 minutes, probably could have cooked longer.

stir in chopped cilantro and garam masala*

serve with basmati rice, and bud light. i also found frozen naan which is delishious.
ENJOY MOTHERFUCKER


*this is a weird spice that i bought for the sole purpose of making this dish. i think it's worth it because it gives that indian flavor that we all crave so much.

why i give my 9 year old pot

a happy/hopeful little story about the good of pot.
for amanda. i love you.

must adopt

as promised

the saga continues..........

As I approached my office this morning, I heard loud voices. This is uncommon. I walked in to see Heather on the phone, presumably with my boss. She is speaking loudly, gesturing and maybe even yelling. My interest is piqued to say the least.

I sit down at my desk, and patiently await the end of her phone conversation. I don't have to wait long. Before I can even ask what is going on, Heather volunteers the information herself.

"So, I will be working from home tomorrow," she says matter-of-factly.

"Oh," I reply, "did something happen?"

"Well," she answers, "I was looking in my internet history yesterday for a link that I had found a few days ago. And I found that much (she holds up her hands about 2 feet apart) PORN."

Though I'm not sure what 2 feet of internet porn could be, it sounds like a lot. As she continues telling me about the porn she found and how it couldn't have been her boyfriend, etc., the head of our company walks in.

He starts SCREAMING at Heather for talking about PORN at WORK and BEATING HER with his FISTS!!!

jk. He didn't hear anything. Don't worry.

Basically, this fucking retard guy who was spending her money on pizza like a fatty is now also breaking into her house during the day, eating her leftovers and watching porn on her computer.

Soooooo tomorrow Heather is going to lie in wait for him at her house, and if he shows up she's going to call the cops?!?!?

She's so brave.

wiley look what i found

you know you want it

pee pee party

wiley told me i can't put my tea bag wrapper in the compost.

here's what i have to say to that:

Dear Marion,I have been visiting your site with great interest for a while now -- thank goodness for your sensible advice for gardening in northern parts -- I am in the north of Scotland and have many of the meteorological challenges that you face, wind, rain, cold, etc. (but no bears)!Your list of 163 materials for the compost bin is really useful but perhaps I can add another -- a British organic gardening writer, Bob Flowerdew, swears by peeing on his compost saying that urine acts as an accelerator. Actually he refers to it rather delicately as 'recycling his cider and beer.' This isn't so easy for us women but I do encourage my husband to provide the goods! One for the list?Many thanks for all your ideas and beautiful photographs,--Jean Bell

Dear Marion,
Yes, the nitrogen of urine is excellent for the compost pile and women CAN participate. Remember the peepot? You're too young. But in the 40's when i visited my grandmother who had no indoor plumbing, we had a pot for night visits. I now use a plastic tub on the closed toilet lid and catch a few ounces during the night. Then put the tub in the bottom of the shower and catch the shower water. All can be dumped on the compost. I live in a 2-story house and must carry the tub down... haven't dropped it yet. Yikes.
When I first began my compost pile many years ago... (we were young and gay)... after an evening of drinking, I'd invite my husband (now deceased) and his friends to make a trip to my compost pile. All thought it was quite fun! --Jan Trechsel, Alabama

Book 2, Chapter 1

julie's right, as usual.

...it's so not over

I skip in to my office this morning, sipping on my green tea, wondering what is in store for me on this sunny and delightful Wednesday.

"Good morning, Heather."

"Good morning."

I sit down at my desk, and begin my day's work of shuffling papers around and touching my hair a la Ben Feldman, never anticipating what is about to happen.

"Well, actually," Heather says, sipping on her customary 9 am cherry pepsi and delicately nibbling a crab chip, "I have had a TERRIBLE morning."

"Oh no," I say, "what's wrong?"

"Well," she says, taking a deep breath, "I went out to dinner last night at this place I love, I always bring home a lot of leftovers, which I adore. When I was on my way out the door this morning, I went to grab my food to bring some to work with me. But it was all gone. There was just the bag from the restaurant sitting on the counter. And I live alone."

...................................to be continued..............................

final chapter

in the pizza criminal tale:



my o-mate confirmed that it was her boyfriend's stoner friend that was using her credit card. how could she know for sure??

he signed his name on one of the receipts, duh.

once again, great job and thanks everyone.

at least you don't look like this

have a great day!

hey ladies

this is crazy. but maybe that's just my semen dependency talking.

david

http://cryingwhileeating.com/

this is not really fair

here is something to do instead of whatever you are supposed to be doing:

vote for a google drawing

some of these are insane! i can't believe that a 6 year old can draw so well. i call bullshit/cheatskies/parents obviously helped on some of these.

look out

i'm basically sobbing at work right now. this is for a number of reasons.

1) gaycation was too fun and now i can't believe i'm back in this office/rain city

2) the mazzy star song from the OC when ryan is carrying marissa in TJ just came on.

3) my friend ian's baby was born:


ian and i went to school together. he threw up all over a wall one time and left me for dead when i was passed out in a dorm hallway. he is a disaster of a human and i love him even though we fight a lot. now he's a dad. and i'm crying at work.

DAD?!?!?!

this is what i hope to look like when i return from orlando.

HAPPY FRIDAY BITCHESSSSSS

between 2 ferns

DOG VIEWING ZONE version

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

sorry skin, your time has come.

annapolis is fucking out.



florida's fucking IN.

update

the pizzahead has been ordering 6-7 pizzas per day.

oof

the day has been super fun so far. i tried to order Bon Iver tickets as a wedding present for Wiley's friend who is getting married this weekend in Orlando. it really failed. i bought the tickets but then i wouldn't be able to pick them up anywhere except maybe south carolina. so then i got to call and cancel them. and that has been my day! happy wedding asshole.

here's Bon Iver playing with his high school jazz band.
it's so good!

uh oh

my office mate just revealed an interesting story that i thought should be shared with the world:

someone stole her credit card number, not her actual card, and has been spending her money. on.......

PIZZA!

$100 worth of pizza has been charged to her card, and she thinks she knows who is doing it....

CHRIS YARRISON

not really. her boyfriend's stoner friend who lives in rockville (most of the pizzas have been delivered to rockville). also one time, a pizza was charged to her card and that same day, this man showed up to her apartment with a PIZZA!!! also NO BRAINER he's a pothead=he loves pizza and will do ANYTHING to get it.

i say, case closed. nice job everyone.


how many toppings are on your pizza, billy? how do you keep your couch so clean when you spill pizza everywhere all the time?


sometimes i let wiley eat his pizza in the bathtub. he is way too tall for the tub but he likes to just sit in water while he eats his pizza. and i say, why not?

guess

who this is??????